A bad sad day
It started at around 3am this morning when I got up with a head full of nonsense poetry that I was compelled to write down on the whiteboard in my kitchen. I sat and looked out of the window until around 5am when Pam got up. I felt tense and emotional, but didn't know why. I get the feeling once every couple of weeks lately, and I try and ignore it.
Pam went out to work at 6.15am (she'll be home at teatime tomorrow), and I sat around staring out of the window again until around 9am, then I phoned my mum and told her that I couldn't visit today because I am feeling tired - so tired. Then I went to sleep.
I woke around 2pm feeling lost, disorientated and about to burst with emotion but I knew I had a couple of things that needed to be done, one of which was arranging for the return of a parcel through FedEx - a simple task that only requires a phone call.
That was when I hit meltdown.
I couldn't understand the series of questions on the automted call line. I waited for the option to speak to a human dispatcher, but when I was connected (to a lovely, patient chap named Jason) I could hardly speak. I suddenly burst into floods of tears and couldn't articulate what I wanted to do. I managed to convey the fact that I have dementia and am having a difficult day, and Jason talked me through. I couldn't remember my home address for goodness sakes - something I've never had trouble with before. And that of course, just made me more emotional and frightened. Well I finished the call and then totally broke down in a flood of tears, from which I'm just recovering. I've lost my mojo a little today I'm afraid. I gave in to self pity, frustration and despair, but there's more to it than that. I KNEW that the pressure was building up from the time I went to bed last night. Thinking about it, I probably should have noticed the early signs around tea time last night. Thing is, there's nothing I can do about it. Is this upwelling of emotion a normal part of the progression of Alzheimer's disease? I've never asked anyone else on the journey about it.
I'm feeling a little calmer now (or perhaps "empty" is a better word), but I don't like not being in control of my emotions.
It's been a bleak day. I thought I ought to record today in my blog for the sake of honesty. It's not all rainbows and unicorns on dementia avenue. there are dark places too Thanks for listening